(3) … Nothing.

Posted: April 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’ve come to the conclusion that if two people who think they have depression, are put in the same room and forced to talk to each other, each one will come out and tell the doctor that the other person does NOT have depression.  It might seem to them that the other person is lying, misguided, or maybe just misdiagnosed.  But they would be SURE that the other person does NOT have depression.

I think it’s not until you throw 1000, 2000 people in the same room, and force them to talk to everyone in the room, that a person would find another person/group that has the same symptoms/reactions that fits their own description of what depression is.  In short, the word Depression, doesn’t really mean anything.  It’s too broad, too vague, for anyone to understand what it entails for the person using that word.  The word could be considered similar to the word “color”, which then requires additional words like “red” or “blue”, to specify to a more detailed degree.

I, for one, have Anxiety and mild Depression.  I take a medicine that does great on stopping the Anxiety, but does diddly with the depression.  When ON the medicine, I have very little “problems” with the world, but I basically do nothing, because I can’t see the value in DOING it.  It’s not laziness (not exactly, though I bet it sure looks like it), because what I am “doing” (nothing) isn’t fun or better than if I did something.  I just fail to proceed to do something different.  It’s because I don’t think doing X has value.  So I do nothing.

I read a lot.  The librarians at the library I go to automatically check to see if they have something on hold for me, BEFORE I arrive at the desk to ask (and incidentally tell them my name).  They know me very well after all this time.  And I also live online, reading various websites, checking Wikipedia, watching shows from other countries like Korea or Japan (because dang if the U.S. is making anything that is worth watching any more), playing MMOs and attempting to talk to the anonymous people in them.  And yet…  I do nothing.

But of course, doing nothing isn’t a good thing, and thinking about the fact that I do nothing, makes me feel bad.  For example, right this minute as I write this post, I feel nauseated with a huge pressure in my stomach, as though I am going to throw up.  This feeling is coming from admitting to myself, and by intending to post this, telling the reader that I don’t do anything.  I understand that a person needs to do something, to have a value, to exist.  In essence, a person needs to do something to justify being alive, to be worthy of breathing the oxygen in the air or eating the food that all 6.5 billion Humans plus countless number of animals absolutely require to be alive on this planet.  Thus a person needs to be anything from a doctor saving uncountable lives, or simply someone that shows up to work and flips a burger on the stove hopefully before it burns.  And yet I do nothing.

Then there’s when I am NOT on medicine.  Once off the medicine, my mind ranges any where from briefly laughing in joy at something I read, to uncontrollable focusing on a (or worst, EVERY) thing that I feel negative about in an endless self-feeding loop that I am completely not in control of.  The happiness moments lasts mere minutes, and you could hear my laughter, and come to see what I was laughing at, and by the time you arrive I have a neutral face not because I’m trying not to laugh again, but because the happiness has stopped.  The moments of negativity, those may be anything from brief flashes or to what can only be described as “for the inescapable moment of eternity”.  Then there’s the final example, the ones which I call “Revving”.  This are moments where a negative thought starts, another comes, then another.  The thoughts start small and only slightly negative, but each thought grows and grows, until you have nothing but flashes of thoughts that block out the existence of every other  stimulus.  The thoughts are so forceful, it feels as though the brain will either fry itself with over-active neurons, or that the brain will shout to the body “danger, release the endorphins, flee flee flee!” and cause a heart attack, not from being scared but rather because you can’t stop fleeing.

I have been off my medicine for two weeks, cold turkey abruptly off.  Not by choice, but by poor planning on my part, and by the doctor’s office having an appointment only 3 weeks after I call.  This is why I have written three posts today, and have another one coming after this.  I am “Revving”…  And yet…

I do nothing.


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