When I was in school, I was taught in English classes over and over again, that the first paragraph of an essay or article should be a summary of the entire article, stating what would be said.  This post is NOT going to do that.  Opps, allow me to apologize to all those English teachers who would now wonder if I ever listened to them, or did I waste twelve years of public education and seven years of Secondary education.

Instead, I am compelled to start this Introduction article for my blog, with a caution and declaration meant for my family.  Certainly with the first few posts, and possibly forever, the only people reading this will be family members and a very few close friends that I consider family, who if I had children of my own, I’d be teaching them to call my friend “Uncle” or “Aunt”.  So it is logical for those people to think that when I write the individual posts, that I am thinking of THEM personally, and that I write these FOR them.  And that therefore what I say may be an attack against them.  And that could not be further from the truth.  So let me start this Introduction with stating flat out:  I wasn’t thinking of “YOU” when I formed the post, unless I flat out declare your name (“My niece is the greatest female on this planet”, “My nephew can be scarily smart!”, etc.)  These posts will be general thoughts, society as a whole.  You have been advised…

With that out of the way, allow me to state why this blog even exist.  I am not writing to talk to my family, such as to share photos of a recent vacation, or such.  This blog exists because I need to *VENT*.

I am blessed in that my brain is my greatest strength.  Lots of family members know that my greatest fear is running over a child with a car, and that was part of the reason I choose to no longer drive.  What I bet none of them know, is my second greatest fear, is the possibilty of suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease when I am old. This is because about the only thing I DO value of myself, is my brain, and thus if I have a disease that shuts down access to that brain, I would personally feel there would be no value of being alive at all.  That is how important my brain is to me, in my thought process.  I may not be Albert Einstein’s 21st Century’s counterpoint, but I definitely have a working brain.

I am cursed, however, because my brain is also my greatest enemy.  It won’t SHUT UP!  I have had many periods of time in my life where I suffered months of insomnia, not because of pain or a baby crying in the background, etc.  No, I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t shut off my brain, and it would constantly erupt “output of data”.  I have an airplane, a building, and a book idea of my own creation, all designs of my own imagination and that, without fail, will suddenly occupy my active thoughts as soon as I put my head on the pillow intending to sleep.  I hope it’s obvious that this can be a very frustrating thing, to live without the ability to pop my brain out of its’ skullcap and put it into a water-glass on the bedside when I turn off the lights.

So…  This blog exists as an attempt to provide an escape valve, a vent, for those thoughts.  I am hoping that by writing them down, that they will LEAVE my mind, and either free up room for different thoughts, or give me peace.  And, if people respond to my thoughts on the blog, that would great because maybe those responses will help clarify or reform the original thoughts I posted.  Maybe the thoughts are in my head all the time because I somehow know they are wrong, but can not see the error.  Maybe my thoughts are there because they are so great that everyone needs to be forced to see them.  But, regardless, they are THERE, and hopefully writing them down causes a change.

Therefore, welcome to my vent blog.  Please exhibit moderate caution when near the vent hole, and wear protective goggles at all time.  You are duly notified that you are about to enter…  My mind.

(2) Ahhhh, Is it Easter?

Posted: April 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

For those not in the know, I live approximately 12 miles from the White House in Washington D.C. (technically I’m in Maryland).  I live in a condo residence that probably houses only people who work for the federal government, or the service industries that feed those workers.  What I am trying to say, is that I do NOT live in the country-side, there are no forests and wildlife abound, Andy Griffith is not the local law in these parts ya’ll, etc…  So, imagine my surprise, when I walked home today and come across not one, but two Bunnies hoping around.  It’s seriously weird, folks.  Is it because of the Easter Bunny?  Are we about to be attacked by an invasion of Bunny Aliens?  Are these bunnies SERIOUSLY lost and in need of a map?  I don’t know…  All I know is, I locked my door when I got back home.  And no, there doesn’t appear to be a manual on the internet for a Bunny invasion, like there is for a Zombie Invasion.  This is a serious deficiency, Internet!

(3) … Nothing.

Posted: April 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’ve come to the conclusion that if two people who think they have depression, are put in the same room and forced to talk to each other, each one will come out and tell the doctor that the other person does NOT have depression.  It might seem to them that the other person is lying, misguided, or maybe just misdiagnosed.  But they would be SURE that the other person does NOT have depression.

I think it’s not until you throw 1000, 2000 people in the same room, and force them to talk to everyone in the room, that a person would find another person/group that has the same symptoms/reactions that fits their own description of what depression is.  In short, the word Depression, doesn’t really mean anything.  It’s too broad, too vague, for anyone to understand what it entails for the person using that word.  The word could be considered similar to the word “color”, which then requires additional words like “red” or “blue”, to specify to a more detailed degree.

I, for one, have Anxiety and mild Depression.  I take a medicine that does great on stopping the Anxiety, but does diddly with the depression.  When ON the medicine, I have very little “problems” with the world, but I basically do nothing, because I can’t see the value in DOING it.  It’s not laziness (not exactly, though I bet it sure looks like it), because what I am “doing” (nothing) isn’t fun or better than if I did something.  I just fail to proceed to do something different.  It’s because I don’t think doing X has value.  So I do nothing.

I read a lot.  The librarians at the library I go to automatically check to see if they have something on hold for me, BEFORE I arrive at the desk to ask (and incidentally tell them my name).  They know me very well after all this time.  And I also live online, reading various websites, checking Wikipedia, watching shows from other countries like Korea or Japan (because dang if the U.S. is making anything that is worth watching any more), playing MMOs and attempting to talk to the anonymous people in them.  And yet…  I do nothing.

But of course, doing nothing isn’t a good thing, and thinking about the fact that I do nothing, makes me feel bad.  For example, right this minute as I write this post, I feel nauseated with a huge pressure in my stomach, as though I am going to throw up.  This feeling is coming from admitting to myself, and by intending to post this, telling the reader that I don’t do anything.  I understand that a person needs to do something, to have a value, to exist.  In essence, a person needs to do something to justify being alive, to be worthy of breathing the oxygen in the air or eating the food that all 6.5 billion Humans plus countless number of animals absolutely require to be alive on this planet.  Thus a person needs to be anything from a doctor saving uncountable lives, or simply someone that shows up to work and flips a burger on the stove hopefully before it burns.  And yet I do nothing.

Then there’s when I am NOT on medicine.  Once off the medicine, my mind ranges any where from briefly laughing in joy at something I read, to uncontrollable focusing on a (or worst, EVERY) thing that I feel negative about in an endless self-feeding loop that I am completely not in control of.  The happiness moments lasts mere minutes, and you could hear my laughter, and come to see what I was laughing at, and by the time you arrive I have a neutral face not because I’m trying not to laugh again, but because the happiness has stopped.  The moments of negativity, those may be anything from brief flashes or to what can only be described as “for the inescapable moment of eternity”.  Then there’s the final example, the ones which I call “Revving”.  This are moments where a negative thought starts, another comes, then another.  The thoughts start small and only slightly negative, but each thought grows and grows, until you have nothing but flashes of thoughts that block out the existence of every other  stimulus.  The thoughts are so forceful, it feels as though the brain will either fry itself with over-active neurons, or that the brain will shout to the body “danger, release the endorphins, flee flee flee!” and cause a heart attack, not from being scared but rather because you can’t stop fleeing.

I have been off my medicine for two weeks, cold turkey abruptly off.  Not by choice, but by poor planning on my part, and by the doctor’s office having an appointment only 3 weeks after I call.  This is why I have written three posts today, and have another one coming after this.  I am “Revving”…  And yet…

I do nothing.

I love Costco.  This is a bad thing, because Costco is about one mile from my home, and I already walk that mile every day for another reason.  So I end up going to Costco almost every day.  Know those Greeters that stand at the entrance and check to make sure you have a Costco membership card?  They don’t ask me to show a card, they wave me by before I can get my hand into my wallet…  That might be a sign.

I also hate Costco.  Costco, they’re cruel, they provide samples…  And they often provide samples from the cheese aisle.  I love cheese.  Cheese is nectar, granted to us mere mortals by the gods of mythologies.  But cheese doesn’t love me.  Cheese is expensive.  It’s also bad for you in anything like the amount of it I want to eat.  But…  I want it!  Costco introduces me to cheese I would never have tried, such as Tnuva’s Bree, or perhaps the finest delicate cheese ever, Dubliner’s Irish Cheese.

To my knowledge, the only legal crimes I have committed in my life would be speeding on Interstate (NEVER on residential streets!).  But Costco is waving red in front of a bull.  I will resist to the last breathe ever becoming a shoplifter…  But Costco doesn’t make it easy…

Will my Downfall be a loaf of Dubliner’s Irish Cheese from Costco?  Pray for my soul.  Or at least my willpower.